As I sit here and drink my wine that I’m sure somebody spit in, I can’t help but think about how the world would be different if I were president. And heads up, I’m a little drunk right now. There’s no doubt in my mind that there would be several assassination attempt on me and I would have to go through several impeachment proceedings. I know this. But I would be able to get through it all by replacing the secret service bodyguards with genetically engineered super soldiers capable of catching a speeding bullet in their teeth. Yes. That’s right. Their teeth. I cannot stress enough how awesome that would be. Now that my personal safety is taken care of I could move on to national concerns. Seeing as how I won’t be legally able to run for president until the 2030’s it’s a safe bet to say that China will be the world’s dominant economic and military power. NATO will probably have expanded to counter the inevitable Russia-China alliance, and the EU will have grown. These are drunken visions of the future, mind you. The main things I would do in my one term:
-Form the North American Union (US+Canada+Mexico+whoever else) at any cost. Or we could call it the Empire so I could be crowned right then and there. Emperor sounds so much better than president. To counter the economic shift to the east, the West must become more efficient and innovative, something it has always excelled at. The combined resources and industries of North America could crush any other part of the world. No joke.
-Legalize gay marriage and marijuana. Seriously. We have bigger things to worry about so let’s just get it out of the way.
-Colonize the moon. Yes. You read correctly. I don’t mean a lunar base or anything lame like that. I mean a whole freakin’ city. And then we claim the moon in its entirety for the US. No one else can have any. I’m serious. Well, maybe the UK can have a little piece. And maybe Japan if they stop bitching about the base on Okinawa.
UN: You can’t do that America!
US: Oh? Well it looks like I just did! FACE! And if you got something to say about it then how about I stop giving you money?
-Withdraw from the UN. The UN is a worthless organization. It receives hundreds of billions of dollars a year and barely has anything to show for it. I say withdraw and form a new organization. Preferably of strong, secular, democratic countries to police the world. An organization that allows Libya, Pakistan, and China on its Human Rights Commission is a joke.
-Send my super soldiers to hunt down and kill terrorists. No prisoners, no mercy. People who walk into a place of worship and blow themselves up, killing dozens of people at a time are not human beings. They are animals and deserve to die like animals. Enough said.
-Lay the verbal smack down on governments I don’t like. Cuba, Venezuela, Belarus, Kazakhstan, Russia, Syria, Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Libya, Sudan, Senegal, Zimbabwe, Somalia, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iran, Iraq, Myanmar, China, North Korea, Vietnam and I’m sure there are plenty others.
-Deny aid to people who messed with us. Sorry North Korea. Looks like you guys are going to starve over the winter. Sorry Iran. That looked like a bad earthquake but your pleas for help are interrupting my chillin’ time.
-Heavily invest in alternative fuels. I want flying cars by the 3rd year of my presidency.
-Become supreme master of the world. It’s been tried a thousand times and failed every time. Here’s my plan so far.
-Declare my intention to unite humanity under my banner.
The plan looks pretty good so far. I just have a few kinks to work out and we’ll be all set. Any suggestions? After world domination I will lead the human race into a future of technology and expansion into space. Sounds good, right? Vote for me!