I originally started this site as a travel blog but it has since taken on a life of its own and I write about whatever comes to mind. Politics, culture, my experiences around the world and in my own country. Feel free to follow me and leave comments!

Monday, April 4, 2011

If I Were Emperor...

I read back over my previous post and thought I might try to be a little more sober and serious. And I should let you all know that I fantasize about world domination waaaaaay too much. Is that bad?

DISCLAIMER: I do not condone overthrowing the government. Unless they really have it coming. Which they might if they don't get their shit together. And the language might be a little more vulgar than usual. Just a heads up.

Assuming I become Emperor of the United States tomorrow after a popular revolution this is what I would do.

1. Pull our forces out of Afghanistan and Iraq. That entire part of the world is a shit hole. Always was and always will be. The lives of 10,000 Afghans isn't worth one drop of American blood. I can't even begin to explain how much it disgusts me to see thousands of people protesting the US for accidentaly killing a civilian but they don't say anything when the Taliban march into a bank and murder 20 of their own people. Spineless morons like that aren't worth fighting for. They should be left to stew in their muck. If they're cool with throwing acid on little girls for going to school or stoning women to death for cheating on their husbands (even if their is absolutely no evidence) then why should we care?

2. Stop attacks on Libya. None of our business. I already made clear my feelings about them in a previous post. And my predictions came true! As soon the NATO airstikes stopped during one day of bad weather the rebels were forced to retreat dozens of miles. How many dictators are there in the world? 30? 40? Why Libya? Libya is a relatively weak country. Seems to me like Iran and North Korea are a much bigger threat. And by not taking them on, presumably because of their nuclear capabilities, it makes other dictators want their own nuke programs. First it was North Korea, then Iran, and now Venezuela is trying to get in on the action. And Bahrain, Syria, Saudi Arabia, and Jordan are cracking down on pro-democracy activists just as hard as Libya was. Where's the UN mandate on those countries? Oh, wait a minute, they're all backing each other up in the UN Security Council and Human Rights Commission.

3. Form the North American Union. Or as I like to call it, The Greater American Empire consisting mainly of the US, Mexico, and Canada.

It’s actually a theoretical union similar to the EU. Now I know what you’re saying. There’s no way the Canadians and Mexicans would agree to something like this. That’s where you’re wrong. I can be incredibly persuasive. The three countries would be allowed to run their own domestic affairs but all would answer to me, their Infinitely Benevolent Emperor. A union would benefit everyone. More resources, manpower, industry, and technology. Three G20 countries united? China, India, and Brazil will just have to be happy with having the second, third, and fourth largest economies. Sorry fellas

4. Put a stop to outsourcing. I would heavily tax companies that hire a high percentage of workers overseas and give huge tax breaks to companies that hire domestically. It’ll be too expensive to not hire Americans. According to www.energyandlife.org 5.3 million manufacturing jobs have been lost to globalization since 1978. It’s time we bring that work back here and the money that comes with it. It’s not my problem if some guy in Bangladesh loses his job making running shoes. That’s probably how they feel about us.

5. Regulate major industries. I’m not a believer in the free market. To have a healthy, SAFE economy, you have to have some government oversight. The government should control at least part of steel, weapons, agriculture, and high tech industries.

6. Reorganize the bureaucracy. Congress and the Senate never get anything done. They argue for months, sometimes years, only to put the vote off or make the problem worse. Right now the Democrats and Republicans are arguing about the budget. They’re playing chicken and having a pissing contest with the future of this country. I would introduce a law that requires them to pass legislation in order to receive their salaries. No more arguing about healthcare reform for fifty years. If they have to reach consensus in order to get their paychecks you can guarantee that they’ll be a lot more agreeable. And if they aren’t then I’ll dissolve both of them and hold new elections.

7. Halt most government foreign aid programs. Only countries who know how to appreciate the help will get it. Which means that Israel is pretty much the only one who’ll get anything. In 2009 the US spent nearly $45,000,000,000 on foreign assistance. That includes humanitarian, military and development aid. The State Department seems to think that by offering aid (bribe) money, the recipients will support US policy. It never works. Here’s some info you might not believe.

-Russia got $478.9 million. That’s right. Our arch-nemesis, and allegedly rising superpower (I call bullshit) gets half a billion dollars. Maybe if they dismantled about 10,000 of their nuclear warheads they could have some money to spare.

-South Africa got $570.1 million. They had a nuke program, hosted the World Cup and are a G20 member state. Why do they get money?

-Zimbabwe got $285.5 million. Mugabe, who criticizes the Western world any chance he gets and does everything he can to piss us off is laughing all the way to the bank.

-Afghanistan got $8.8 billion. No surprise there. You also shouldn’t be surprised to know that less than 10% of that money was actually invested in what it was supposed to be invested in. Go to Afghanistan and see a brand new governor’s palace where a water treatment facility was supposed to be built.

-Pakistan got $1.8 billion. Probably about half of that was lost to corruption and the other half went to Pakistan’s ISI, a shady spy organization that ANSWERS TO NO ONE. It’s common knowledge that they give supplies and information to terrorist networks in the region and plan attacks like the Mumbai Massacre in 2008.

-And finally, Sudan gets $1.2 billion. $39 million of that is military equipment. We are supplying an Arab Muslim country that uses its military to massacre Christian Africans. Total. Fucking. Insanity.

8. Legalize gay marriage and marijuana. You can’t say that some people are allowed to get married and some aren’t. That’s not the way it’s going to work in my country. If you don’t like it then move to Europe. Legalize marijuana, tax the poop out of it and count the money.

9. Withdraw from the UN. The United Nations were formed to stop wars and mediate conflicts. It has failed spectacularly. Since its creation in 1945 there have been nearly 200 wars and over 3000 violent conflicts. How many has the UN intervened in? 63. Out of 3,200+ conflicts. And when they do intervene it’s usually a half-hearted peace keeping mission.

The US pays 22% of the UN budget. Billions and billions of dollars. When the UN acts unfairly against the US and its allies, America decides to be a little late with its money. So the UN actually has the balls to tell us that we are in debt to them by $500 million as of 2008. Even though China is now the world’s second largest economy it pays 3.2% of the budget while Japan pays 12.5%, the UK pays 6.6%, France pays 6.1%, and Russia, a Permanent Security Council Member, isn’t even listed in the top 10 donors. If you don’t pay a certain percentage then you shouldn’t get to have a permanent seat on the Security Council. You have to put your money where your mouth is.

10. Create a new world body. The League of Nations preceded the United Nations. And now the United Nations will precede the Earth Federation. I swear I’m not trying to rip off Mobile Suit Gundam. It will be governed by the heads of state of the member countries and only handle matters of global importance like alien invasions, black holes and global warming. Membership will be very hard to get. You have to prove that your nation is a force for good in the world before you can join. So that automatically cuts out about 80 countries.

11. Cut down on immigration from Muslim countries. Now I know I’m probably going to catch a lot of flak for this one. I know that all Muslims aren’t terrorists but the majority of terrorists these days are Muslims. If you’re a Pakistani and you want to come to the US, you have to have family here already or be on a business trip or something, and even then, you’ll have to get a background check and have all kinds of credentials. I don’t know a whole lot about the procedures but it will be really hard to enter the country. Count on it.

12. Become a leader in alternative fuels. Solar, wind, hydrogen. Those are all old news. And they won’t be able to provide all the energy we’ll need. There has to be another way. It’s a race. And the first one to find the next big thing will be rolling in the money. And quite possibly save the planet and humanity.

13. Adopt an isolationist policy. Nothing short of a Chinese invasion of Taiwan (I doubt Taiwan would need any help. They've been planning for a Chinese invasion for the last 60 years) would get us to go to war for someone else again. We would still back up our idealogical allies like the UK, France(bleh), Japan, South Korea, Australia, etc but no more bouncing around in the deserts of Africa and the Middle-East. If you got problems then deal with it yourselves. We're done with you. Whenever something happens the world always looks to the United States to say or do something. and when we do something they call us imperialists. You can't have it both ways.

14. Cut back on the size of the military. If the US unites with Canada and Mexico the combined active duty armed forces would number over 1.8 million soldiers. I would cut it down to 1 million and use the money saved from that to invest in education and infrastructure throughout the empire. Our military would still be the most advanced in the world. And with a ocean on both sides of the continent any major invasion would be fought with air and sea power. So a large ground force isn’t really necessary. We could always just train militiamen on the weekends if we’re worried about getting invaded.

15. Fix healthcare. The American healthcare system, once the envy of the world is in shambles. And as I understand it, the reason for that is because all the money for it was supposed to be held in a massive trust fund but the government was actually spending it. I would create many government owned businesses and the majority of profits would go into funding the healthcare system. I’m not talking about buying up a few Mom n’ Pop grocery stores. You remember the next big alternative fuel I was talking about? Well my government would have a monopoly on that technology. We would make trillions of dollars.

16. The United States of Space. Pour funding into NASA. Research new materials to make an orbital elevator and a rail gun capable of shooting spacecraft into space without costly rocket boosters. The ideas are solid but the materials just don’t exist yet. It can happen. Establish mining outposts on nearby asteroids so we don’t have to transport materials from Earth and BAM! In a couple years we have our first space colonies. Space is like the Americas in the 1600’s. Whoever gets there first claims it all.

That's it for now. My fingers are tired. I'm sure I forgot some stuff and I'm sorry if it got too political but I'm glad I got it off my chest. Bow to your emperor!

Travel in China,

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